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By Deej @ Apartment42
"You think that's a helluva
dick?" -- David
Duchovny
"Yes, David. We do.
And thanks for asking." --
The Bob
Institute
Welcome
to Quotation Nation
Grab that
mug of tea,
Pick your
favorite place to sit and read
From our new
background selection, then join us for...
From
the Mouths of Bob's ...Sort of
Quotes
in reference to Bob, from both Bob's
Owner
and
the Bobservant
Updated w/8 new
quotes
Starting Here
Temp
F.Y.I.
The
Veiled References &
Peered Pressure Section
Has
been moved to the Bobservatory!
New
pic added
*** Please be aware – Sexually Candid & Explicit
Language - everywhere
you look,
So don't, if Sexually Candid & Explicit
Language upsets you,
k? ***
Bob Research Funding
Comes Through! (Or "Ish Brings Home the ...uh ...Bacon!")
Filed by: Ishmael
Mr. X -- German GQ Magazine,
October 1998 (excerpt)
by Ulrich Loessl (courtesy of Chimerical
Publications)
"Q: Let's put this
theory to the test: Do you dress left or right?
DD: That's already
been a hot topic of discussion, when I wore a tiny Speedo during one episode of
the X Files. You couldn't tell then and I won't tell now. Sorry!
Q: Speaking of
which: How tall are you?
DD: A little bit
taller than a whale's penis.
Q: Excuse me?
DD: In "Moby
Dick" Melville describes in great detail how a whale is being gutted and
in this context he mentions that the size of a whale's penis is 1.80 meters.
I'm 1.83 meters tall."
DOES [THIS] MEAN THAT HE IS ACTUALLY UNCIRCUMCISED?
Filed by: Ishmael ("Ish,
looking for the truth... about Bob!")
Making
Contact with David Duchovny -- Playgirl, August 1994
Close Encounter With the X-Files' August Agent (excerpt)
by Jenny Higgons (courtesy of Chimerical
Publications)
"PG: And you
wouldn't have qualms about exposing your manhood?
DD: No. Why should I? It's just what it is. It's just a penis, you know.
PG: There's this big horrible gasp when men show their penises in movies.
DD: Yes, there is, and I think it's because of two things: one, of men running
Hollywood, for the most part, and, I'm not sure if women are that interested in
seeing men's soft penises.
PG: Soft?
DD: Well, you're not going to walk around with a hard-on in a movie, either.
PG: I guess it depends on the situation.
DD: That would never be shown in an American movie, and I guess that would be
the real test — if you're willing to with a hard-on in a movie. The other thing
is, on the one hand, it means nothing, why not show it? On the other hand, who
needs to see it? Why do you need to see a penis? Why do you need to see pubic
hair? It's not a big deal for me to either see it or show it. Pubic hair does
not turn me on. Penises, when they're soft, they're kind of ridiculous things,
anyway, you know?
PG: Yes, especially if they're uncircumcised — they look like turtles.
DD: Well, I don't want to cast aspersions on our Gentile brothers."
DD likes Bob almost as much as we do... :
Filed by: Ishmael ("Ish in full
research mode")
Transcript
from David's appearance on Howard Stern Interview (excerpt)
"Howard Stern: You're a fan
of masturbation, that's what it means
David Duchovny: oh, ok
Howard Stern: You love to
masturbate.
David Duchovny: Sex with someone
you really love?
Howard Stern: No, you've always
been a fan of it, you like watching porno, you've admitted that?
David Duchovny: A fan of
masturbation???
Howard Stern: You've admitted to
watching porno, that you rewind it back to the scenes you like.
David Duchovny: That seems to me
to be very normal."
A BOB item from
"X Marks the Spot"
Filed by: Rstetradio
Excerpt from "X Marks the
Spot"
Page 63
2 x 5 Duane Barry
Location: Aquatic Centre and
Chemistry Bldg,
"During CC's directorial
debut we were again on campus at the aquatic centre.
David was swimming
laps as part of the scene's action, and when he rose up from
the pool, his lower
extremities also rose up. Calm and composed, David delivered
his lines perfectly.
Women on the set were particularly observant during the filming
of this scene."
[For the record, Rstetradio's follow-up response was, "Well,
DUH!" Which, actually, was my first
thought, as well. *g*]
The ultimate answer
to the delicate subject
Filed by: Ishmael
Excerpt from Howard Stern
interview, July 2002
Found at Gertie's
DuchovnyNet
Ish: There's no mystery left about our Bob's being
circumcised...:
[mim: Aww... shucky darn. I guess we
won't need the stationery, after all.
<g>
Oh well, I suppose life has
*other* mysteries. <sigh>]
"Stern: Well,
that is fun. So much fun. Let me cut your underpants.
David: A little
touch-up on my circumcision?"
A Nice Quote for Our
Page
Filed by: Ishmael
From the much-missed "Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to DD" site
[mim: This was
probably one of my first best DD finds of my young Internet life. I recall letting out a big sign when I read
this. I thought, "Someone understands... <sniff>" 
Still feel
that way today, so I hope nobody minds this same reminder here.]
"Dedicated to
that intellectually,
drop-dead gorgeous
specimen of manhood,
who, in a voice
likened to 'honey, with smoke-cured qualities':
Makes us laugh.....
Makes us cry.....
Invades our
dreams.....
And disturbs our
sleep."
[mim: No truer
words. <sigh>]
Tiny Stolen Tidbits
Filed by: mim
[mim: Another
favorite from SPCDD, from Ish's sig
line... (Thanks, Ish!!)]
"David Duchovny,
the vertical expression of a horizontal desire."
[mim: I'm still
trying to remember what mag interview this comes
from, and will update when I either recall, or someone reminds me. I *do* know he was referring to his recurring
role as "Jake" on "Red Shoe Diaries" when he said it,
if that helps.
But here is my very
own David quote (!!), expounding on the above fact of life as Mr. Uber-Sexual,
woe is he. Not.]
"I am the conduit through
which
– David Duchovny
[mim: I like a man who knows who, and what he is. <g>]
Bob and His Owner
Filed by: Ish ("back in full research
mode")
Excerpt
from Howard Stern Radio Show,
Courtesy
of Chimerical Publications.
"HS: Say it, your penis wins the
argument every time. And you know that it's going to lead to trouble because
you're going to be in close proximity traveling...
DD: First of all, I've never had an
argument with my penis. We debate. We negotiate.
HS: I hear you're very large. We
covered this the last time."
[clapping]
DD: That's not me clapping.
[mim: He's
right. Itz
mi. <g>]
The Naked Truth
Filed by: Ish ("back to her
researcher activity")
Excerpt
from Howard Stern radio show,
Courtesy of Chimerical Publications.
"Doug: Duchovny, there's this picture all
over the Internet with you naked with a flowered teapot on your gonads. What's
going on with that? (See: The Bob Institute's Teacup Party Photo Album
for the even MORE (!!) lurid details...)
HS: Any truth to the rumor that you
posed nude with a flowerpot on your gonads?
DD: I will tell you the truth. Right
before...we had done the X Files pilot...we were about to go do the series in
Doug: It's a very large teacup.
DD: It's not that large.
HS: I heard you're big.
DD: I put it over my genitals and I
had the cigar, and we just took a couple of pictures...
HS: Female manager, you're nude in
her apartment...
DD: No no no, I came out with the teacup.
HS: Right, but you were nude. Were
you banging your manager?
DD: No, I was changing from one
outfit to another. It was like Ann Margret in Vegas.
I had costume changes.
HS: Because I'm a guy with a small
penis, I would never be seen with a teacup because I'd be afraid that if it
moves, I'd be exposed. Only a guy with a large...
DD: I wasn't balancing it there, I
was holding it with my hand.
HS: But only a guy with a large penis
would even take that risk. Trust me.
[recording: 'Now
that's a penis!']
DD: What voice was that? HS: I could use a demitasse cup.
RQ: A little espresso.
HS: A little espresso cup.
DD: It was actually a shot glass.
HS: How does this picture end up on
the Internet?
DD: It's kind of a sad story. A man
who was working as my publicist at the time - who I won't name and who actually
did a lot of work for free for me when I couldn't afford it - I guess got
payment in this way by turning around and selling this picture years
later...and it's not that harmful, I mean, it's kind of a goofy
picture..."
[mim: I have to agree
with Ish. Such
a *nice* boy, isn't he? J]
Filed by: mim (and
not the lucky Mim who got the interview.
Sniff.)
Excerpt
from Details Magazine's "Lord of the Files" Interview – June 1997
Filed
by: Mim Udovitch
(who isn't me)
Courtesy of Chimerical Publications.
[mim: Not a direct
reference to Bob, perhaps, but anatomically speaking, we're in the
vicinity. Close enough.]
"MU:
Have you ever fantasized about your own funeral?
DD: Yeah, mm-hm. It's always open casket and
I look fabulous.
MU:
Jews don't have open caskets.
DD: I'm only half Jewish. It's
the bottom half that's open. But I think
it's the same thing everybody fantasizes, which is how dreadfully upset
everybody is, all these people whose lives will never be the same, they're so
diminished by my passing. Like
that. And all the women that I've dated
say, 'You know, he really was the one, he was the one I should have been
with. I never said it to him, but he was
my true love.' They all say that at some
point, in the bathroom, and I have access to the bathroom because I'm just a
floating spirit."
[mim: I don't know
about anybody else, but for this reason alone, I'm eternally grateful David's
lower half isn't Jewish. I also like Bob
as a floating spirit in my bathroom.
Never too many of those around.]
An Interesting Way
of Looking at Bob
Filed by: Ish
"We found it!" Or rather, Ish
found the source of this quote! Whee!
This
is from an interview David did with Extra
About
doing his own stunts, specifically, in the XF
ep Ascension.
You
can see a clip and actually hear
That
'honey, with smoked-cured qualities' Voice say this (!!)
At DuchovnyNet's Video Clips archive here.
"This big bulge in my pants
is a safety harness." – Double D
[mim: Gee ...I never
thought of it that way... But now that you mention it...]
The Secret of a Good
Bob in the Water
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from the TV Guide Insider
online article, April 2003
Entitled,
"David Duchovny: Lovin'
That Lingerie!"
Courtesy
of ~Gertie and the DuchovnyNet
News Hounds
@ DuchovnyNet Up-To-The-Minute News!
(You can find many, many lovely pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Duchovny
@ this
cool Frederick's of Hollywood-sponsored
charity event @ Leoni Online)
[Red Speedo Man! never rests! And neither does Bob, under the right
conditions and water temperature.]
Speaking of cute skivvies, fans
still ask Duchovny about his own — specifically, a certain revealing red Speedo
he once wore in an X-Files episode.
"Yeah, they really seem to
remember that Speedo!" he said. "I think I still have it. Actually, I
should've auctioned it off here. Maybe I could've financed my next movie with
it."
While cold water usually causes
shrinkage for mortal men, Agent Mulder definitely didn't have that problem. The
secret of his virility?
"I had the FBI pool specially
heated," Duchovny winks. "It was 102 degrees that day."
['Mortal men'? Maybe they've never seen the pictures? Bob is no mere mortal man!]
What David Doesn't
Seem to Know About Bob Doesn't Hurt Anyone
[subtitled:
"David Says 'Penis' Nine Times in One Sentence. On Television."]
Filed by: Invisigoth
Excerpt
from "The Late Show with Conan
O'Brien" transcript, June 2001
Transcribed
by Laura and Alyssa - Courtesy of DuchovnyNet
(You can read the entire transcript Here)
[The conversation
began with "Evolution", (or
more specifically, DD's Evolutionary Moon) but quickly evolved into more of a
"New Year's Day"
celebration, fortunately for us. Ahem.]
Conan: Now, this is
not the first time that you've exposed yourself in a film though, is it?
DD: No, no. In fact
the first film I ever did, when I was green and didn't know any better,
actually had the possibility for full frontal nudity which erm
...'the possibility' ...I don't know what that means but...
Conan: After
secreting! which, you know ...you've been having a terrible time!
DD: I'm tired...
<feigns exhaustion> I mean, its
just horrible! It was a Henry Jaglum (sp?) called 'New Year's Day' which was the first
acting job I really ever had and it was kind of an improv.
film and I was getting kicked out of the house by a girlfriend, who was the
star of the movie, Maggie Jacobson and Henry came to me and he said, 'You gotta
get kicked out naked cos, you know, you're the bad
guy and I want you humiliated,' and I didn't know that you didn't actually have
to be naked for a movie to appear naked...
Conan: Right, you
have things that you can wear that are flesh-coloured...
DD: Whatever! They have cameras that don't have to go
down! <mimes framing a film shot>
Conan: No!, right, I
forgot about that! Yeah! sorry!
DD: There are many
ways to not actually expose yourself ...frontally in a movie but being green I didn't
know and Henry came to me and he said, 'You know, is it OK if I shoot the
penis?' and I said 'shoot the penis, if you have to shoot the penis, shoot the
penis' so then if I shoot the penis, then the penis might be in the picture. so
if I shoot the picture, the penis might be in the picture ... and I was like,
'You know, you can shoot the penis, its OK with me, and I was like ...so as it
turned out, luckily ...the penis
was not shot.
Conan: Right...
DD: And er ...it did not bounce into frame or anything like that!
<mimes a bouncing
penis using both hands - I think he's indicating a side-to-side and slightly
up-and-down motion, but his hands are about a foot apart so you draw your own
conclusion!>
Conan: Right ...but
I hope that ...there's probably footage of it somewhere, that someone's
got! Or maybe the director has it
somewhere...?
DD: Its like
...'uncut?
<everyone giggles
including Conan>
[and mim]
A
special thanks to Invisigoth for the 'At-Large'
reporting!
The Heavy Price of Cutting
Your Cock Off
[subtitled:
"David & Jay Leno Try to Say The Word 'Cock' Ten Times... On Television, But The Purity of TV and the
FCC Prevails!"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"
transcript,
Transcribed
by Mulder42 (all
comments in < > belong to M42) - Courtesy of DD LOVERS
(You can read the entire transcript Here. You can download
a video clip from the fabulous GertieBeth Here)
[House of D
directing was the subject, which quickly turned to the movie's editing for a
PG-13 rating acquisition.]
DD: ...yes, from
beginning to end, you gotta, you gotta be there, but like with the, like now
I'm dealing like, with the ratings board a little, because its uhhh, its a coming-of-age story--
JL: Right.
DD: --and we want uhhh, we want a PG-13.
JL: Yeah.
DD: Ummm, which is, which is kinda hard to get sometimes,
'cause we have uhhh, there's like a running gag in
the movie where Robin, who plays a mentally challenged man, is best friends
with this kid. And they have this book
title thing--I don't know if you did this when you were kids, but it was like uhhh,
JL: Oh I read that;
excellent, yeah, yeah! <audience laughs>
DD: Yeah, exactly,
it was Yellow Mattress by
JL: Yeah, yeah.
DD: See? It still gets a little bit of a laugh!
<smiles>
JL: Or, we used to
page 'Hans Job' <?> over the intercom at school.
DD: I never did
that.
JL: The Swedish
kid. 'Can you page Hans Job the German
kid?' <bigger laughs from audience now>
DD: Yeah, I never
did...
JL: That was a good
one. That was a good one.
DD: ...and we also
had, we had French Rupture by Jacques Too Tight. <audience roaring now—David
says name faster>
JL: JacquesTooTight!
DD: JacquesTooTight!
JL: There's like a
lot of these, just go on and on!
DD: That one's gonna
stay in the movie, apparently. <audience agrees and laughs more>
JL: Yeah.
DD: Ahhh...
JL: But that one's
okay.
DD: Well no, then we
had, we came to--the sticking point was uhhh, Russian
Rupture. I don't know if any of you
remember this, but uhhh, its by--anybody remember who
wrote Russian Rupture?
JL: No.
DD: Ivana Kutyurc<expletive
bleeped by NBC>off. <audience laughs> Well...
JL: No.
<smiling> You know--I do remember that one! That's, <Jay giggling now, so is David>
I thought you were, you know, its been a long time--
DD: Yeah.
JL: --since I've
heard anyone over the age of 12 say that name. <more laughs from
audience>
DD: Yeah. That's why I started to write <Jay laughs
more>, because I thought we needed to remember these things.
JL: I was won--when
you sit down with the rating boards, and they go, OK, 'I.P. Daily'; we can go
with that...
DD: We like I.P.
Daily!
JL: ...and, and the,
the, whatever the mattress one--
DD: I.P. Freely--we
like that! <David smiles & audience laughs>
JL: I.P. Freely,
yeah--
DD: Anything we
like...
JL: --but when you
get to the Russian guy, how do you get around that?
DD: <clears
throat> Well, I'd say that the word you're being offended by is not actually
said. It's just hidden within a larger
word--
JL: Within a larger
word.
DD: --so I can't say
the word that offends, so, so I said...
JL: Right, right,
right. Unless you're talking about a
rooster or something. <audience giggles>
DD: Right. But I can say Kutyurc**koff. <bleep #2!>
JL: Right, right.
DD: I just can't say
<snaps his fingers for emphasis> 'uhh!'
<audience laughs>
JL: Right, right.
DD: So uhhh, so I say I'm not saying, 'uhh!'--I'm
saying Kutyurc**koff.
<bleep #3!>
JL: Right. <more
laughs from audience>
DD: I'm saying it a
lot. 'Cause the more I say it, the
funnier it gets.
JL: Right, right,
right. <louder laughs from audience this time>
DD: So uhhh, they said no.
You can't do it, uhhh--I said, what about uhhh, it's an R [rating], with Kutyurc**koff <bleep #4!> in the movie, its an R. With uhhh, I said Kutyurrodoff? Yes, you can say Kutyurrodoff.
<more laughs from audience> With Kutyurrodoff--
JL: But that's not
even Russian!
DD: Well,
apparently--
JL: Yeah.
DD: --the ratings
board people are mostly Americans, so that's... <audience laughs>
JL: That must--
DD: ...they don't
care about that
JL: --that must be a
fascinating job, to sit with attorneys; Kutyurc**koff! <bleep #5!> 'We can go with Kutyurrodoff,
your honor!' <audience laughs>
DD: Well, uhhh, we, we had uhhh, and then I
had to go loop it with; I had to replace it because Robin had only said Kutyurc**koff <bleep #6!>.
JL: Right, right,
right.
DD: So I had to go
and get him to say Kutyurrodoff.
JL: Right.
DD: And, and he was
unhappy! <more laughs from audience>
JL: He was unhappy?
DD: 'Cause he liked Kutyurc**koff! <bleep #7; more
laughing from audience>
JL: Oh sure, as...as
an artist, Kutyurc**koff
<bleep #8!> is much better!
DD: Yeah. And being [can't make out the rest here]
JL: And, and being
an artist...you fight for the freedom!
DD: I think
JL: <agreeing>
Right. <big cheers & laughs from audience> We've got the other one
...do you have any other words that they--that you had trouble with?
DD: Actually, Robin
wouldn't say Kutyurrodoff.
JL: Oh, he wouldn't?
DD: He, he ended up
saying Kutyurrockoff. <more laughs from
audience>
JL: <smiling> Kutyurrockoff?
DD: So now it's,
it's uhhh, Russian Rupture by Ivana
Kutyurrockoff..
.
JL: Right.
DD: ...not as big a
laugh. <now the 'big' laugh comes from the audience>
JL: Yeah, exactly.
DD: So I'm gonna go
out, actually tonight, now that I know that Kutyurc**koff <bleep #10; wow, double digits--this has got to be
some kind of record!> gets such a big laugh, I'm gonna go back and say--
mim: "KutyurCOCKoff!"
DD: "Yes, I'm
glad *somebody* said it." [from C & C press conference, actually,
but still...]
[And ya know ...are
you allowed to say, "Alfred HitchCOCK" on
TV these days, or is it strictly, "Hitch<BEEEEEEP>"? Anybody?]
The First Instinct
is Usually the Funniest
[subtitled:
"Thinkin' 'Bout His Third Leg"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from "Connie and Carla Press Junket" transcript, April 2004
Transcribed
by Mulderpause – posted at the David
Duchovny Fans Message Board
Hopefully, you can still grab the audio file of this entire interview
from the ever-wonderful Chimerical, Here
[David's always
thinking of his third leg. We can
tell. And he's right. It's funnier than thinking about his three
arms.]
Unidentified Female
Press Officer: "Do you ... I know you've done romantic comedies recently
and what not - "
DD:
"Right."
UFpO: "However do you still find that you've gotta box your way from
that whole X-Files, the whole X-Files -?"
DD: "Excuse me,
what, what thing?"
UFpO: "Do you -"
DD: "No,
okay. Hehe. Yeah, for sure, I mean, I'm always joking
with my manager about how people always say to me, 'oh, I didn't know you were
funny,' 'oh-oh, I didn't know you were funny,' it's like 'I didn't know you had a third arm', it's kind of
like that, which wasn't funny, see, so obviously I'm not funny. But it's just part of the baggage of being on
a show that was that big, and it doesn't make any sense to run from it or to
deny it, it's just it is what it is, and I'm proud of The X-Files and I'm happy
that it made so much happen for me as a person, as an actor. I wouldn't want it any other way, but it also
brings these other barriers that are -- if you look at it the right way -- they
can be fun to kind of overcome because you can surprise people."
[UFpO
asked another, serious question about the 'serious part' of the movie, and
David gave another brilliant answer, of course.
But I skipped it, because it took us away from the POINT of the
reference. But as you can tell, until he
saw an opportunity to express it, David never stopped thinking about his third
leg, and how humorous it can be. Sorta
like ...us, actually.]
UFpO: "I just want to let you know, it's not that we don't think
you're funny, we just don't want to screw up anybody's sound in the back of the
room."
DD: "But I will
also acknowledge that that wasn't very funny, what I said. 'Cuz I know when
I'm funny, and that wasn't funny. I can
do better. I didn't want to say 'third leg' because I knew that sounded, like,
off-color, and I went to 'third arm', and
that's just not funny."
UFpO: "But I was wondering - "
DD: "See, now
you're laughing. You don't care. Obviously, you're lying, you *don't* care, you
don't care about screwing up the tape, you'll laugh if it's funny, it just
wasn't funny. But thank you for trying,
thank you for trying to make me feel better."
UFpO: "I try."
DD: "I
appreciate that."
[And we appreciate
honesty and humor. Thanks, David. And your third leg, too.]
David Speaks Boblish!
[subtitled:
"The Origin of the Word 'Crotching', and It
Wasn't The Institute!"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from "Star 94's The Morning Show
with Steve and Vikki"
transcript, April 2004
Transcribed
by Polly – posted at the Haven's
House of D folder.
You may still be able to grab the audio file of this entire interview
from Atlanta's Star 94 Radio site, Here
[Whether he knows it
or not, David is a Master of Boblish Literature and Dicktionary Enhancement.
I'm going to thank him for that, personally, someday.]
S: Now we told Nia the other day that they should consider the title,
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen."
D: Very good.
S: Yeah, you know
...
D: Is that "crotching" tiger?
S: Well, now that's
even better. You're right!
D: "Crotching Tiger ..."
S: "Crotching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen."
D: Oh, God, if we
could just call back the posters right now. (S&V laugh)
S: Yeah, then the
current posters would be worth more on ebay, wouldn't
they?
D: They would. (DD
laughs) I think we should do it. "Crotching Tiger" is kind of good just on its own.
S: Yeah.
V: You can steal
that and make that your own.
D: Okay, I'm going
to write right now.
[Bet ya I BEAT him to
it!]
The One Who Dies
with The Best Appendage, Wins
[subtitled:
"Who Said Anything About Bob, I Mean ...Besides Us?"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"
transcript, May 1995
Transcript
archived at the always wonderful DuchovnyNet, found at David Duchovny's Home Page (fan
site)
You can read the entire transcript Here,
and download the video Here.
[No one really knows
which 'appendages' David was referring to.
And nowhere but the B. I. would anybody dare to guess. Right?]
JL: Well, the kid that plays you as a
child, I mean he really does look like you.
DD: Well, he looks like me NOW, he
doesn't look like me as a kid and his mother came up to me to show him off to
me 'cause I hadn't met him and she goes, "You know, we think you look so
much like him." I said, "Well,
he doesn't actually look so much like me."
And she said, "And since he's done the part, his nose has
grown."
[laughter]
DD: And I said, "Thank you very much and keep me
posted on all his other appendages as they grow."
[More laughter]
[Anybody want to
volunteer to call and get a progress report on the appendages?]
Giving Bob A Voice
All His Own
[subtitled:
"If Bob Spoke To You, Would You Expect Falsetto?"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"
transcript,
Transcribed
by Julie - archived at the ever-illuminating DuchovnyNet
You can read the entire transcript Here,
and download the video Here.
[Okay, so it's not
his strongest skill. But with utterly
charming presence like this, who needs a voice, anyways?]
JL: Now, I wanted to ask you this,
now I know people know you from 'X-Files', but of course --
DD: Do they?
JL: -- your roots, of course, are in
the theater.
DD: [laughing] -- my 'roots'. Yeah, they are.
JL: But you were a theater guy,
weren't ya?
DD: Yeah, in
JL: I read a story about you awhile
back about an audition -- do you know what I'm talking
about?
DD: Yes, yes. Uh, I had an audition for a movie called Me
and Him. Which was a, uh --
[woman in audience laughs]
DD: You know that movie well? I didn't get it... well, it was about a guy
and his penis.
[audience laughs]
DD: This was a big movie, though --
this was a --
JL: I see why you didn't get it. [off David's insulted look and groans from
the audience] That was a bad joke. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I couldn't help it, I'm sorry, I couldn't
help it. Go ahead. I don't remember this film.
DD: I don't get that, Jay. I really don't get that. So 'Me' was me -- or
whoever got the part, I believe it was
[laughter]
DD: I'm not making this up at
all. So, uh, I get in there and it was
directed by a woman and I think there were three women producers so I'm sitting
there, and they say, "Okay, so why don't you go ahead and show us what you
got."
[laughter]
DD: And, I began to read -- I began
to do what I'd prepared. And, uh, the
voice that I chose for my penis was
something like this, [speaks in falsetto voice]
[laughter]
DD: So... I mean, I was really going
off the fact that if you were to give a voice to something you know, well, I'm
not going to say what size, but you know, smaller than a human being, you know,
that you would --
[laughter]
DD: -- that you would give it a high
voice. So you know, it was kinda one of
these things where I'm saying -- I'm sitting in a cafeteria and my penis says
to me, "oh, look at that girl,
look at that girl, why don't you go talk to her?" [to audience]
It was a little better written than that --
[laughter]
DD: -- so the, the director and the
producer started laughing at me, and we stopped, and I said, "Well, what's
so funny?" And they said, "Well, we've auditioned, you know, fifty,
sixty guys an you are the first one to choose a falsetto for his penis." And I said, I explained to them why I thought
that made sense, and I said, "Well, what do most penises sound
like?" And they said, "Jack
Nicholson."
[laughter]
JL: Really? Wow.
DD: [nodding] So apparently all the
actors were coming in and it was, "Well,
what do you think of that girl over there?
Why don't you go get her, buddy?" [very good Jack Nicholson
impression]
[laughter]
JL: See, I like yours. I think your penis --
DD: [incredulous] You like mine?
JL: Well, it's less threatening.
[laughter]
DD: You're less threatened by what?
JL: I mean, I mean your penis is less
threatening than the other one.
[laughter]
JL: 'Cause the others were like --
you have a -- it's a cute. It's cute.
DD: Don't make me show you, Jay.
[laughter and screams]
JL: There's another joke, I'm not
even going to go there, but --
DD: Don't make me make it talk to
you.
[Could I perhaps make
you make it talk to me? I won't tell
anyone what it says, I promise. ;-P]
The Woman Who Lives with
The Coolest Cucumber, Wins
[subtitled:
"The GROWing List of Handy Bob Uses or The Truth
About Bob as Vegetarian"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt
from "The Truth About
Téa," by
Transcribed
by Lightkeeper and archived at LeoniOnline
You can read the entire transcript Here
[And you thought he was
only there for looks, essential alleviation other than sex and sex... Allow me to say that again. Sex.]
Mr.
Grobel: Ever
marvel at how cool your husband seems on those shows?
Téa: David channels his nerves somewhere down near
his prostate. In almost a reverse
psychology reaction to nervousness, he becomes the coolest
cucumber. And his wit is not
delayed by a moment.
[No joke, my good woman!
Speaking of cool cucumbers, if that isn't the coolest cucumber I,
personally, ever ...saw, sorta, I don't know what is. I'm suddenly craving cucumbers. Anyone care to join me for a cool cucumber
...salad?]
Comparison Shopping
[subtitled: "If
You Can't Beat Him, Compare Him"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt from "The X-Files - Excelsius
Dei (# 2X11)" written by Paul Brown
Fox Network - First aired,
December 16, 1994
[I could be wrong, and it wouldn't be the first time
(!!!), but I have a feeling Mr. Brown didn't write this line for Mulder into
the script. Don't know about anybody
else, but sounds like classic Duchovny Boblib adlib
to me]
Scully: What do you think,
Mulder?
Mulder: About the guy's plumbing?
[As compared to...
Oh, and "Thank you for sharing," David. J]
What Scully Didn't
Learn in Catechism, Mulder
Could Teach Her
[subtitled: "Can
Snake Handling Save This Partnership?"]
Filed by: mim
Excerpt from "The X-Files – Signs and Wonders (# 7X09)"
written by Jeffrey Bell
Fox Network - First aired, January
23, 2000
[Life is for learning, I've heard it said. I'd recommend Scully take Professor Agent
Mulder's "Snake Handling for
Catholic Schoolgirls – A Prior Decade of Decadent Delinquents"
refresher catechism course.]
Scully: Snake handling. We didn't learn that in catechism class.
Mulder: Funny.
I knew a couple of Catholic schoolgirls who were experts at it.
[I'll have to assume Scully wasn't one of them. L Raise your hand
if you'd like to sign up for training!
No such thing as too many snake handlers in the world, as far as Bob is
concerned.]
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